Confessions of a Fatso

Woo Hoo

2011-10-17T21:03:00.000-07:00

I lost 4.6 pounds this week!!! I was shocked. I actually used up all my flex points in the beginning of the week instead of on the weekend. I don't know if that helped or not, it shouldn't but I had a really emotional week.

For the first time since starting WW this time around I struggled with not getting enough to eat. Only because I was eating emotionally. I went over a few points Saturday night (not having any flex points left) and I didn't even track my points on Sunday but I did kind of mentally try to keep track and just was careful.

What a wonderful surprise this morning. I am very proud of myself. I still only exercised once but I think I am going to do the cardio workouts at the karate place my boys go to. They do a class for adults but it's not really karate, just some of the moves as exercise and it doesn't look too hard. I met a lady there last week and she said she had been doing it for 2 weeks and had already lost 13 pounds, without changing her diet. I think they have a family rate and since my boys are already in it I thought maybe it wouldn't cost too much more. They let you try it out for two weeks free.

Yay me!!

One more

2011-10-10T07:42:00.001-07:00

Another successful week. I lost 1.4 pounds this week. I am proud of myself. I am on my fourth week. It took me 15 years to put on my weight. Taking a year or two to take it off is no big deal. I think I am going to step up my exercise this week. I have only been exercising once or twice. Once last week. So this week, my goal is 3 times. So yay for another successful week!!

That's the longest

2011-10-03T09:43:00.000-07:00

This is the longest I have ever stuck with any dietary change. I have successfully completed two weeks on Weight Watchers now. Yay!! On Friday, I decided to splurge a little with my points , because I have an extra 49 for the week, anyway I guess I overindulged a bit too much. It's was like I couldn't stop all day. But I still stayed within my allotted and I lost one pound this week.

I'm very happy with myself. I am feeling good about it.

5-10 minutes

2011-09-28T11:03:00.000-07:00

Today a friend of mine came over to exercise with me. We decided to do Jillian's 30 day shred. It's about a 20 minute workout but it's a GOOD workout. Well it's been so long since either of us has done it that we made it 5-10 minutes in. We pretty much did the warm up, some squats and some crunches. That was about it. But it felt good. In fact, I had so much energy that I moved all my furniture around in my living room and got all the dusting and vacuuming done. Plus I even cleaned my windows. A little more organizing and I'll be done. It's a good day, even if nothing else gets done. Now off to eat lunch :))

Great week

2011-09-26T20:23:00.000-07:00

So they have changed weight watchers to a points plus system now where they calculate in protein and carbohydrates now. I love it! I actually get 38 points a day and and extra 49 flex points for the week. Some things end up being more points than they used to but this is soooo much better. I love it. The first week was sooo easy. I still had flex points at the end of the week that I didn't use. I lost 2.4 pounds and didn't feel deprived at all! I pretty much had everything I wanted just not as much as I would have. It was great. Today I went to lunch with my niece. I started to look at the breakfast menu and order something like bisquits and gravy, bacon, eggs etc. My normal. I was sure that would be a ton of points so I ended up ordering a grilled chicken sandwhich AND I only ate half. I was satisfied and felt great! Yay!!!!! Successful first week and successful start to the second week. Oh, and I took a walk three times last week.

Back on again

2011-09-22T13:21:00.000-07:00

Ok, so now I am going to get back on WW. My hubby too. So far, it's been a pretty good week. We have far more goals in mind this time and there are more reasons to lose than just the "I'm fat" thing. It's more motivating now. So when I weighed in on Monday (that's when we started) I weighed a whopping 244.2 lbs.

I am grateful for the opportunity to get up every day and try again. Isn't that what life is about?

Can't think of a title...

2011-03-03T12:25:00.000-08:00

So it's been a little over a week since starting WW. I lost about a pound the first week. I didn't really follow it over the weekend and have had a hard time getting back into it this week. But I'm going to keep trying. I'm proud of my husband. He didn't really follow it over the weekend either but he keeps trying as well.
Jami - The Dr. thought it was just my bowels working overtime too but I can tell you that I have no pain now except when I eat red meat. I ate it a few days ago and the pain was so bad I had to take a leftover Vicodin. I'm not sure what it is. The cat scan was fine. No worries.
There's only one more thing for me to try when it comes to my weight loss adventure. Something that will go along with WW.
Prayer.
So I will start each morning with a prayer for His help. Obviously I can't do it by myself but I know it is really important for me to get healthy and being 100lbs. over weight is NOT healthy.
I know I can trust Him to help me. He's the best!

Hmmmm

2011-02-20T20:32:00.000-08:00

Ok, so here are the results from the cleanse I did. The first day went great! Didn't feel hungry or anything, but by the end of the day I felt very sick to my stomach and ended up eating a few crackers. When I woke up the next morning I felt like I had the flu. I have heard that a detox can make you sick. I felt awful. My stomach started hurting that day and by the Wednesday morning was hurting so bad I had to go to the hospital. It felt like my stomach was going to explode. They did an ultra sound and a cat scan and could find nothing wrong. They doped me up and sent me home with a vicodin prescription which I had to take every 4 hours for two days because I was in so much pain. The Dr. thought it was the herbal laxitive I took. You know herbal things are not FDA regulated. I disagree because I started the cleanse because of the discomfort in my belly in the first place. Anyway, I also found out that I am NOT backed up. Not in the slightest. So I don't know what the problem is. I know that with the exception of a few crackers, I did not eat for 5 days. I also know that I can no longer eat any red meat. It kills my stomach.
I did lose 10 pounds however. I've gained a pound and a half back since I started eating again but I also seem to not have the cravings I did either. I guess a 5 day fast will break a person of certain addictions. So, I am still feeling bloated and a bit uncomfortable but the pain is mostly gone as long as I don't eat red meat. (there is still a bit of constant dull pain all the time but not too bad)
After a blessing, I feel as though everything will be fine.
I think my husband is finally on board with me as far as losing weight.
He has agreed to do weight watchers with me.
We start tomorrow.
I know that if we can do it together we can be successful.
I'm excited!
Here's to new beginnings!

Time to clean

2011-02-07T12:08:00.000-08:00

Ever since giving up my Dr. Pepper I have been, not to be too graphic, a little backed up. Not unusual for me anyway but even more so now.
I have decided to do a cleanse. It is a ten day cleanse but I may just do it for five. I'll have to see how it goes.
So today is the first day. I started with an herbal laxative and for the rest of the day will consume only the 60 oz. of juice. This cleanse is called the MasterCleanse. You can find it here.
The juice is organic grade B syrup, cayenne pepper and fresh squeezed lemon juice.
Not too bad really. I was really hungry by the time I got to work so I was a little worried. However, I've been drinking it for a few hours now and the hunger is gone. I heard the first few days are the hardest. So I will keep you updated on how it is going. I really feel bogged down (on the inside). I hope this will help. If not, I will have to try hyrotherapy for a colon cleanse.

Can't think of one...

2011-02-02T10:43:00.000-08:00

Well I've lost only 2 pounds since adding exercise and going off soda. Can't say I'm not a bit disappointed. If I was able to maintain my weight with 2-4 sodas a day and no exercise, it makes sense that I would lose weight by my cutting out 300-600 calories a day and adding 4 days a week of exercise. (I walked a mile each of those days)
Oh well. I need to add another goal but I'm not really sure what. I was going to say not to eat after dinner but that makes my appetite insatiable for the rest of the day. Maybe there is another thing I can add or take away.
I welcome any ideas.

One week

2011-01-25T14:50:00.000-08:00

Well I made it one week with no soda. I also exercised 4 days. I found out that it is 1 mile around our corporate circle so that makes 4 miles last week. More exercise than I've had in months. I didn't lose any weight but I also started my cycle...first one in 6 months. I'm thinking that all the caffeine must have something to do with it.
I did not have one withdrawal headache the whole week. I know that must be the Lord's blessing. I don't do well with headaches.
I have also noticed the last few days that when I wake up in the morning, I am not so sluggish.
So, yay for me! I didn't set any new goals for this week, I'm just going to stick with no soda and exercise 5 days per week.
Next week, I will add something.

Accountablility

2011-01-17T12:11:00.000-08:00

I've been praying and fasting for the ability to control my appetites. I've noticed some gradual things. For example, habit pours me the Dr. Pepper regularly but lately I haven't wanted it as much and opting for something different has been a bit easier. I still drink it but I don't seem to want to consume it all the time. So I have decided that with fasting and prayer I should have an accountability partner. I have chosen my brother. He is always watching what he eats and exercising. He stays fit. I also work with him (he's my boss) so I think it will be easier. Plus, he won't be nicey nicey about it. I need someone who will really hold me to it. I think it will be good.

So my first goals this week are to give up the soda all together and to exercise everyday. Something. Any movement is better than what I have been doing. I figure at least 5 minutes. Usually once I get started I end up going a lot longer so I think it will be good.

So far today, the soda craving has been minimal and I took the dog for a walk around our business complex. Not sure how long it was but I would say at least 1/2 mile or more. I'll have to measure it and see but it was more exercise than I've had in probably 3 months. I feel good today.

I really think all the answers boil down to one. Prayer.

What are your thoughts...

2010-12-21T20:04:00.000-08:00

I'm considering an appetite suppressant, any thoughts?

soooo out of control...

2010-12-19T08:12:00.000-08:00

Thanks to friends

2010-10-09T22:43:00.000-07:00

So, thanks to friends who hurriedly answered my last inquiry. I have located an Overeaters Anonymous right here in my town. They meet on Tuesday nights. I'm looking forward to my first meeting.
So, 1 step every week...I should be good to go and over all my issues in 12 weeks, right?
I know that is ridiculous but that's how my mind works.
Get to work, handle the problem, move on...

I wonder...

2010-09-29T22:07:00.000-07:00

I wonder if there is a twelve step program for people with eating issues...

Bad Week

2010-06-26T08:29:00.001-07:00

I had a bad week. It was emotional, positive and negative and I ate. It started Tuesday night and I just didn't even try with the Weight Watchers after that. I also didn't run Wednesday or Friday. I worked 12 1/2 hours yesterday and couldn't get up for weigh in today either. Well, chalk this up to learning I guess. I'll start again for next week. Obviously I eat for emotional reasons. I'm not sure what to do about that. Those feelings are so powerful. Any body have any suggestions?

That's just normal fluctuation

2010-06-19T19:44:00.000-07:00

So I went to my Weight Watchers meeting this morning. I lost 2 pounds. I should feel good but I don't really. I fluctuate 2-3 pounds regularly anyway. I could have lost that just sitting on the couch eating whatever I wanted.
I have felt bloated all week. I know I didn't drink much water, that is probably why but I did my couch to 5k training all three days this week and stayed within my points without even using all my flex points, so I had expected more than 2 pounds, especially in the beginning of my weight loss.
I'm disappointed but I will try again this week and increase my water. My goal is to drink at least 4 8oz. glasses every day. That's at least twice what I did last week. I hiked for 5 miles today. It took me 3 hours. That made up for the soda and fries I had for lunch.
So cross your fingers and pray for my motivation this week. :)

I'm going to keep trying 'till I get it right

2010-06-11T13:06:00.000-07:00

Well I signed up for Weight Watchers. This time I will go to the meetings. It just doesn't work for me trying to do it on my own. My first meeting is tomorrow morning. I think I need to just take it one day at a time. My friend Jami makes very small goals and I think I need to follow suit. So If I screw up one meal then I will start with the next one. One day, one meal at a time. Wish me will power and motivation. I also will start the couch to 5k training next week as well. I did feel good when I did it last year. So here we go...

Sigh

2010-06-05T00:17:00.001-07:00

Well, obviously it's been a long time since I posted anything on any of my blogs. I've been in this state of depression for so long now. It's reletively minor compared with some of my depression so I haven't thought much about it. It's time to pull out of it now. I'm tired. I really want to do something about my health. I feel powerless to change though. I don't feel like I have any support at home and it's very difficult with all the conflict about it. I don't have the money to join any of those support groups so I'm just not sure what to do. I don't have the will power to do it on my own, yet I feel like I'm wasting away.
I always promised myself I wasn't going to be one of those people that had aches and pains and was always sick. Yet, I have a lot of aches and pains. I know that it is from my weight. I don't think that just because we get older that our health has to deteriorate. I want to change so badly. I just feel powerless.
Yes, I have prayed. I know the Lord wants to help me but I still have to do the work and I don't feel like I can, at least not for any great length of time. I seem to do well for a week, maybe two then it all goes out the window.
I'm sure there are a lot of psychological reasons behind it and maybe I'm worrying too much about the whys. I miss me. I want to feel good again.

Feeling strong

2010-02-18T08:08:00.000-08:00

I've lost a total of 6 pounds since I've been on the Atkins diet. It's been about a week and a half. I can't believe I have had this much will power. I feel like I'm kicking some of my addictions. I don't really crave the sweets or chips or anything anymore. I've had to put a lot of focus on this but that's OK.
I'm learning some good recipes. Lean meats and there is a great recipe I've tried for muffins. It used flax seed meal and a little cinnamon, 1 egg and a little butter. (I use Smart Balance) The muffin is very good, good for you, and very filling.
I eat salad nearly every day and am feeling pretty good. I haven't been exercising lately because I really just want to get through this induction phase of Atkins first. I'm feeling good.

Lost my motivation

2010-02-09T07:36:00.000-08:00

I've lost my motivation with WW. I guess I feel like I'm sacrificing all the time with very little results. I know it seems silly to expect to lose weight like they do on the Biggest Loser but I can't help it. I'm results oriented. I feel like I need to see a difference to keep me motivated.

That's why I've decided to try a different diet. I gained a pound last week and this up down thing just isn't working for me.

So after some research, I decided that I would try the Atkins diet. In the end I will have learned to eat very healthily and I think the results will be faster. At least it is for everyone I know who has done it.

So I started this diet yesterday with a starting weight of 233.6.

I felt so proud of myself for following it yesterday. Sometimes it was hard because I really like salty foods like chips etc. but I did it. I couldn't resist weighing myself this morning.

231.0 this morning. I can't recall the last time my weight was that low. Now I feel very motivated!

It's a great start to a new week wouldn't you say?

2010-01-25T20:09:00.000-08:00

I love being able to start over every day.
This past week I did not exercise one time. It was a bad, stressful week but I did stay pretty close to my allotted points.
With Weight Watchers, I am allowed an additional 35 points for the week but I kind of decided that I liked the Body For Life idea that I can have a free day instead, so I took that day on Friday. I actually used very few points for most of the day but then my friend took me out to The Outback!
I had cheese fries, salad, steak and Dr. Pepper. Then we went to the movies later and I had nachos. (I saw The Lovely Bones. Creepy) I don't know if I used all the extra 35 points or more, probably more, but I didn't give in to any guilt because I had previously decided that I would eat whatever I wanted.
Also I don't really watch my points on Sundays. Too much work for the Sabbath haha, but Sundays are easy because I usually eat a couple points worth for breakfast and then have dinner, maybe popcorn later. So I think I do OK.
I also did not drink all my water every day either. I averaged about 4 glasses, sometimes a little more.
But...Guess what?! I still lost 3 pounds this week.
So my new weight is ...232.6 YAY!

Not too bad

2010-01-18T07:38:00.000-08:00

Well, I followed my points pretty well this week. I lost 2.6 pounds from last week. I don't know why I'm dissappointed. I guess I was hoping for more like a 5 pound weight loss. But, it's 2.6 pounds. I'll take it.

I did better this weekend than I did last but still not as well as I would have hoped. I'm really starting to notice when I get full now. For many years now I ate until I was stuffed. I didn't feel satisfied until my stomach was stretched to capacity. Now after two weeks I am used to eating small portions and I've been able to stop when I feel the full and be satisfied. I didn't think that would ever happen.

I think I'm eating slower too. With a lot less food I tend to savor it a bit more. I walked 5 days this week but didn't get the 6th day in. I also drank 8 glasses of water every day. That helped. I also found myself drinking a Dr. Pepper when I didn't even want it. I allowed myself one this week and I drank it because of that, not because I wanted it. I'll have to work on that train of thought. It's ridiculous.

I guess this was a successful week.

A bit dissappointing

2010-01-11T09:43:00.000-08:00

I followed my points pretty well this week. I may have gone over by a few but not too bad. The weekend is always so hard for me. I think it's because of being unstructured or unscheduled. I did end up having 4 sodas instead of my allotted one. I couldn't stop once I had one. I also ate more because of it. I also ate later at night. I didn't drink much water and I didn't exercise at all. Needless to say, I gained .8 pounds. This week for my goals I am adding in 8 glasses of water per day as well. I think the weight gain was bloating from the soda this weekend. This week will be much better.

here we go again

2010-01-07T18:40:00.001-08:00

I decided to try Weight Watchers again this year. I've never made it more than a few days but I have a good support system this time. Friends who are holding me accountable.
I started on Monday and have done great this whole week. I did go over my points a little last night but still was with in range for the week. I went over because I was gone the whole day and it was a little emotional for me. I was tired when I got home, both physically and emotionally and so I ate.
I bought a bunch of Smart Ones frozen meals because when I'm really hungry I won't make the time to prepare something healthy so these are great for unprepared times. (most of the time I'm unprepared hehe) Anyway, it has worked out really well. They are really good meals. I'm used to feeling very full all the time so I'm having to really hold back from eating more just because my pants aren't tight. But so far I have held off. I've been busier which I think for me is going to be key. When I'm busy I don't even think about food.
I've decided to allow myself 1 Dr. Pepper per week. I know that to give it up completely would not work but knowing I get to have one this weekend has helped my will power. I have not had one all week. YAY!
So far I feel really good. I have not exercised yet. My goal was to exercise 3 times this week so I'll have to really get in gear. I pushed my treadmill in a corner to fit the Christmas tree so I guess I better put all that away and get my treadmill out.
I feel hopeful and I know with the support of my friends, I will do fine. It's just a matter of changing habits and being aware.

Check in

2009-11-30T08:02:00.000-08:00

Hubby and I weighed in this morning. Neither of us lost anything. It's not suprising with Thanksgiving food and all the stuffing (of ourselves). At least I'm not losing the contest AND I didn't GAIN weight. Maybe this week will be better. My linens are sitting in a plastic container. I need my shelves put in.

Maybe I should have a plan

2009-11-24T14:00:00.000-08:00

Well, Hubby and I weighed in on Monday. My first goal is to get to 232.4 lbs. It's Tuesday afternoon and I have done nothing toward achieving this goal. Maybe it's because I have no plan. I don't think my husband has a plan either. I guess it will depend on how badly I want my shelves put in.

This should be fun

2009-11-20T14:41:00.000-08:00

My husband and I don't talk about weight loss. We don't agree on what is needed or how to do it etc. But we came up with a little contest between us that I hope will help motivate us. We are going to set small goals and the first person to achieve each goal gets a prize of his/her choice. For example, if the first goal is to lose 5 pounds and I lose it first, my husband has to install shelves in my bathroom for a linen closet. Or whatever I want. The task or prize must be awarded with in one week. Anyway, we will start the contest on Monday. Wish me luck...

Success equals...

2009-10-07T20:35:00.000-07:00

I realized something the other day.

When I think of being successful, in life. Weight loss and all the other things I want to change. When I think of this person that I always thought I wanted to be, I feel utterly and completely alone. In fact, the feeling is almost overwhelming.

I've always struggled with feelings of loneliness and feeling invisible. As a teenager I was thin, fit, and active. I had a job I loved. I had boys that were interested in me. I had enough money for my needs. I was busy and I was successful at the things I attempted to do or change. But I really felt that if I dropped off the face of the earth no one would notice.

Over the years, that invisibility and loneliness has faded little by little though I still feel it. When I try to visualize this person I think I want to be, those overwhelming feelings come back. I think this is really stopping me from progressing.

How do I overcome those feelings? I know I'm not alone and I'm certainly not invisible. At least I know that logically.

Resistance is futile...

2009-10-01T12:14:00.000-07:00

Since I've been aware of these curiosity dialogues with myself I have felt more in control. It has stopped me many times from over indulgence and has helped me to really be aware of the reasons behind my over eating.

In fact, I have felt so good about it that yesterday I decided that I would start Weight Watchers again. I felt I had a handle on the emotional reasons and I just needed to start a program that I know would work for me.

Yesterday morning I had yogurt with granola for breakfast. 3 points. Then I went grocery shopping. I bought lots of veggies to make salads with and a bunch of fresh fruit and stocked up on more yogurt etc. Then I promptly went home and ate non-stop for the rest of the day.

The mere idea of being forced to resist certain foods made my appetite for them insatiable. The minute I decided to limit myself, I lost all control.

When I give myself permission to have whatever I want, I no longer want them. Perhaps that's the key...

More dialogue

2009-09-25T23:34:00.000-07:00

So the other night I put my kids to bed. Hubby was working late and I realized that I had to have the last of the chinese food. There was probably 3 servings left. I had to have it right then and eat all of it because if I waited then I would have to share it with hubby. I didn't want to do that because then it would all be gone and I wouldn't have all that I wanted and who knows when I would have it again...

Curiosity Dialogue

2009-09-23T11:16:00.000-07:00

I bought this book from Barnes and Noble titled 'When you eat at the refrigerator pull up a chair'. It's about the mental aspects of weight issues. Anyway, one of the things the author suggests is to write a curiosity dialogue every time I eat for emotional reasons. It's actually been very helpful so far. So I thought I would share just a couple of the dialogues I've had so far. I've used it for other things I struggle with as well.

"I have to get in all my food and relax time now because I may not have the opportunity later."

"I have to eat all I want now while the kids are in bed because I don't want to eat in front of them and set a bad example."

"I need to eat the all of the Chinese food because it's my favorite and I don't know when I'll get to eat it again."

"If I start working on this project I won't have time to finish it, so I better not start."

"I better drink the last six cans of soda now because I need to quit and this is the last soda I'll ever have."

Being aware of these dialogues I have with myself has actually stopped me from eating on a number of occasions. In fact I bought some Chinese food at the mall last weekend and ate three bites and was finished. Now normally I would eat it all not knowing how long it will be before I have it again. But I had the dialogue with myself and realized that I pretty much eat it whenever I want and that was a silly belief. so I think this is going to help

Wondering...

2009-09-08T22:25:00.000-07:00

Numerous times today I went to the pantry and the fridge in search of something to eat. I wasn't hungry and nothing sounded good. So I didn't really eat which I guess is a good thing. But I would start a project or start to clean something and after a few minutes I would look for something to eat.

Now what I'm trying to figure out is why. What is it that I am resisting? Being productive? Do I have some hang up or fear or something that causes me to turn to food when I begin to do something that is NOT being lazy? I am lazy. Actually I like the term slothful better. But anyway I don't know if I'm resisting change or there is really something about cleaning or productivity of some sort that makes me want to turn to food.

I did end up eating something later tonight. It didn't taste good. It didn't satisfy. I didn't actually want it. I just felt this compulsion to eat something. I wonder what it is that makes me want to eat in this particular case. I know that guilt is a trigger for me but I just don't know what this other compulsion is.

Back on

2009-09-08T08:42:00.000-07:00

I went to the rec center today and ran/walked 1 and 1/4 miles. It felt really good. Boring, but good. I felt so renewed when I woke up this morning. I've really been working on prayers lately and I think the Lord is slow to hear my cries because I have been slow to hearken to Him. But, I think it is beginning to pay off. I'm just going to keep a prayer in my heart and let Him be my strength. I'm too tired to do it by myself anymore. I'm getting baby hungry again. I go through periods of time like this. Well it's back now. I really need to lose some weight. I think that will help balance out my hormones enough to get pregnant, hopefully. I have felt, for some time, now that my kids are all in school, I don't have a purpose. Perhaps that's why I want another baby. To give me a sense of purpose. I don't know.
I have a question...How do you know that you're on the right path? I know what I feel but I don't know if it's God's will or it's just me. I don't know why I struggle with this so much. Thanks for reading.

Why do you have to be such a b****?

2009-08-23T13:28:00.000-07:00

I had a fight with my husband the other day and then spent the rest of the evening snapping at my kids and yelling at every little thing they did. Then I sent them to bed with no tuck in because 'they didn't deserve it'. (that was my rationalization). After they went to bed I went to the kitchen to eat. Non stop.

All the while I'm talking to myself out loud. "You're so stupid! Why do you have to be such a b****? Sure, go ahead and pig out, that's all you're good for! You don't deserve to be their mother!"

I'm realizing that I think I can tie in all my overeating and depression and other addictions to my relationship with my husband. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming him for anything in any way. It just shows that my marriage has EVERYTHING to do with how I deal with life.

So this is my conclusion. Fix the marriage, fix the weight? Marriages can always be improved. Mine is certainly no exception but I have never put it as my number one priority. It's time to change that. Family is the most important thing, next to God of course.

So this week I am going to go to God with my marriage and begin to focus my energy on my husband and our relationship.

I went to a church picnic/co-ed softball game on Saturday. I had no intention of playing. I haven't played softball in 15 years. Well, I got talked into it. I had to do it bare foot because I was wearing sandals that wouldn't have stayed on while running.

The first time I hit the ball a huge thrill went through me. I had forgotten how much I enjoyed playing sports. I was on a high for hours after the game. I felt like my old self again. I completely lost myself somewhere in the last 15 years.

It's time to be me again. I'll be jotting down the things that made me, me. I will start doing those things again. The rec center has a women's volleyball team. If it's not too late, I think I will sign up for it. I'm very excited. I miss me. I miss the carefree, happy spirit that I was. Positive, thoughtful, giving. I need me. My husband fell in love with me. I think he would be happy to see that person again. I would be a better wife and mother too.

I haven't forgotten...

2009-08-16T20:10:00.000-07:00

I haven't forgotten about my goals, I just have been extremely preoccupied. I will post again VERY soon! Don't give up on me.

Confession...

2009-07-24T11:36:00.000-07:00

When I started training for the 5k, the race was my end goal. I accomplished that and I am proud of that. However, with the weight loss thing, there doesn't seem to be an end goal. I have a certain weight I would like to be at but I don't seem to be moving toward that at all. I was so discouraged after two months of training and changes I'd made with only a four or five pound weight loss.

Well, I let it get me down and I quit. That's pretty typical of me though two months is longer than I've ever tried before.

I went of vacation after the race and had decided that I probably wouldn't do anything while on vacation. I didn't. In fact, I went back to all my old habits. 4 or 5 sodas a day. Eating whatever, whenever and lots of it at one sitting. No exercising at all. I have continued this practice after I got home from vacation as well. I was sure I would put on the 5 I took off as well as another 10.

Lo and behold, I broke down and weighed myself this morning. I haven't gained anything! I'm quite suprised and pleased. I guess I must have sped up my metabolism enough to handle it.

Perhaps if I had stuck it out, I may be 5 or 10 pounds lighter now. hmmmm.

I know I need to get back on track again. I decided when I got back from vacation that I really didn't want to run anymore. I just didn't like it. But what I've discovered is that I don't like getting up early and I don't like getting to the track to run but I'm starting to miss the actually running now. I have a membership to the rec center and I think I will start running again when school starts again. That way I don't have to get up early.

I've been in such a low funk for the last couple of weeks and I have not been able to pull myself out of it. I don't know how this time. Things are not going well in life and it's out of my hands. Perhaps when I do pull out of it I can make some new goals. Right now I'm only in survival mode. Really. Just surviving. I crawl out of bed sometime after 9 a.m., do the bare minimum with housework and children and go to bed at night. That's all I'm capable of doing right now.

Whew!

2009-06-30T08:53:00.000-07:00

Well I did it! I started off really fast and my trainer had to tell me to slow down. I did but still kept a faster pace than training. Up until after the second mile that is. The last part of the second mile was a very large hill. It did me in. I began wishing I would throw up just so I could stop, hehe. I made it up and then finished at a slower pace because I was out of energy. I still finished a bit faster than my training pace but not much. That's OK. I finished. It was hard.

Halfway through the run my trainer asked me if I wanted to do another one in August. I looked at her and told her that was like asking a woman in the middle of labor if she wanted another baby.

I am considering it though. I don't know why. I still don't like running. I guess I'm hoping I will learn to like it. I just like how I feel about myself.

I will definitely never run more than a 5k though. That's far enough. The race I ran was called the Undy 5000. There were people there in their underwear. Some tighty whities, hehe. It was funny. Nothing too gross though, thankfully.

My mother and step-father came out to cheer me on. They were at the halfway point and then met me at the finish. My mother cried. She was so proud of me. I didn't realize how much it meant to me to have the support from her. It meant the world to me to know that she cared enough to come out and watch and cheer me on even though I think I was the slowest runner out there.

Thanks mom and Kenny!!!!

Sick

2009-06-27T06:11:00.001-07:00

I'm so nervous, I think I'm going to throw up.

Almost there

2009-06-25T06:50:00.000-07:00

This week I have been running 2 miles each day I run. I'm really nervous about the race on Saturday. 3.1 is farther than I've ever gone and I have had no energy this week. I don't know why I'm so nervous. I'm not trying to win the race.

The reason I haven't accomplished much in my life is because I usually quit. I have always been mediocre at things I've done because I didn't put much effort into it. I always had an attitude that I just didn't care. It didn't matter to me if I did well, I was just having a good time. This way, it didn't matter if I failed. This way I didn't have to work very hard either. I don't know if it's just laziness or if I am afraid of failure. Maybe a little bit of both. Probably more on the laziness side though. I don't like to do things that take much work. I think I've always been that way. Things I did well at were things that came easily.

I don't know how to overcome that. For 13 years I have been putting on weight and dealing with depression and other things. Just the thought of working hard exhausts me. I already don't have much energy, so I'm not sure what to do about it. How do I change that?

Finally

2009-06-22T07:47:00.001-07:00

230.6 today. Finally, something!

Now I'm concerned that after this race on Saturday I won't have an exercise plan. I'm not sure I'm disciplined enough to do it on my own. Anyone need an exercise partner?

I was beginning to give up on the weight loss. I'm glad I didn't. Maybe now I can see some difference.

I have nothing else to say today.

I still don't like it

2009-06-19T07:39:00.000-07:00

I ran 2 3/4 mile today. That's the most so far. We have been running through the neighborhood the last couple of times and it's been really hard. A lot of it is uphill and it is much harder on my knees and back.

I still don't like running. I might enjoy a leisurely one mile run on a track but the rest is just blah. I like how I feel afterward but I really just don't like running. I'm going to have to figure out something I can enjoy when I'm done with this 5k.

I think this running is helping to balance out my hormones though. I seem to be regulating a bit more with my cycles and I definitely am more emotional than normal. I guess this is a good thing.

I would sure like to see some weight changes.

Now that it's almost time to run my race I feel like I need to make a new goal. I don't feel like I'm working toward anything now. I'll have to figure it out.

Any suggestions on a good goal? A very specific one?

Figuring it out

2009-06-16T06:45:00.000-07:00

I ran 2 1/2 miles without stopping yesterday. I had to run indoors again because the track was flooded with all the rain but I didn't run on the inside track this time. I tried the treadmill. It was much better. It wasn't as hot and I liked being able to set a pace and not worry about slowing down.

I hate to admit it but I am running a 15 minute mile right now. uuuugghhh. It doesn't feel that slow to me but based on other times I have read people post, that is REALLY slow. During the last 1/4 mile I kicked my speed up to a 13.2 minute mile and my heart rate was so fast it didn't register on the machine. It felt good though. I think the treadmill will be a good way to track and move toward getting my speed up. I'm not too concerned about the speed for this race but maybe for another one. I think I'm doing pretty well for only having been training for 5 weeks? I am 100 lbs. overweight after all.

I had to alter my challenges a bit, they were getting to be too much. I'm going to allow myself one soda per month. I was really mentally fighting giving it up forever. Also, not eating after dinner etc was just causing me to eat more during the day. So I'm sticking with the Change One a little more. This week I will eat a healthy breakfast and one of my snacks must be healthy. I will stick with these challenges until they are a habit or I mentally change how I feel about them. I'm also cutting out the extra workout because I spent the whole week dreading it and would eat because of it. Right now I'm just going to concentrate on my race coming up.

I have been really aware of how I am resisting this weight loss. I know that is why I am not losing any weight. Somehow I feel as though I am losing something. Not pertaining to my body but the eating habits and such. It's been such a comfort for so long. I need to figure out something else that will comfort me. Maybe running will be it. Maybe I need to blog more. Maybe I need to pray more. Maybe I need to have more sex. (My hubby would love that) Maybe I need to get a job outside my home.I'm not really sure what will be able to take the place of eating. Eating is so convenient and yummy. It caters to my physical appetites. I don't like not being in charge of those appetites.

Any suggestions or comments about what would help would be appreciated.

Disappointed Again

2009-06-13T08:32:00.000-07:00

234.2 this morning.

So far no progress. On days where I am unmotivated, I just don't see the point. Why am I sacrificing and doing things I don't really want to do, giving up things I really don't want to give, up for nothing. I was maintaining my weight before. Why should I sacrifice all the things I love?

I ran 2 1/4 miles Friday. That was really hard. Because of the rain the night before, I ended up running the track at the Rec center. It sucked. It was hot and stuffy. It was noisy and crowded. It was a very hard track, cement I guess. Plus, it is 16 times around to make a mile. Mentally, that's 4 times more than the junior high track I usually run on. It was very difficult. I got blisters on my feet and prayed the whole time that I could just get through it.

I will never run in there again. I'll run through puddles if I have to...

I'm feeling so discouraged today. Once I'm done with my 5k race it's going to be very difficult to do any more running without seeing any weight loss. I know that mentally I'm not going to put in the effort if it isn't paying off.

I don't know what to do.

Ho Hummm, I can tell this is going to be a depressing day...

Going well

2009-06-08T08:22:00.000-07:00

For breakfast yesterday morning I had yogurt with a few pieces of granola in it and some fresh raspberries. I was able to stick to the 3 meals and 2 snacks. One thing I noticed since having to be aware of what I'm eating for breakfast is that I was aware of what I was eating the rest of the time too. I knew I could eat whatever I wanted but I was very conscious of it. I did choose some bad things though but only because I knew I could. Not because I wanted them. Strange how our minds will do that to us.

This morning I had a bowl of Kashi cereal with skim milk and a small banana. I think I'm going to feel much better after this week. I really feel like this week will move me forward in my efforts more than the past weeks. I feel really good about these changes.

I'm starting to get nervous about the 5k. I know I will be able to run that far by then but I also know that I will be really slow. I'm already feeling embarrassed. I don't want to give up on trying to be faster out of fear of failure. I have a tendency to do that. This is why I have always led a mediocre life. If I don't care, than it won't matter if I fail.
Wow, that was an eye opener.

Here's to a new week

New Week

2009-06-07T22:16:00.001-07:00

Last week was a bit of a challenge for me. I think I got a little overwhelmed. We put in our garden and new sod. It was a lot of hard work and I feel exhausted.

I've really been fighting the depression lately and I think it is making me more tired.

I'm excited to start a new week though.

My new challenge for the week is to eat only 3 meals and 2 snacks per day. And breakfast must be a healthy one. I'm going to take the activia challenge too, hehe. Hopefully that will help. We shall see. I'd sure like to see some results on Saturday when I weigh in.

Here's to a new week!

Positive

2009-06-06T07:56:00.000-07:00

232.8 this morning. That's 1.4 pounds down this week. Of course I fasted fro 27 hours yesterday so I'm sure that's where the weight came from. I'm actually suprised I didn't put it back on with the dinner I ate. I was so hungry by the time I ate dinner at 9:30 .p.m last night that I ate 1/2 of a 1/2 order of Texas Cheese Fries dipped in Ranch. Then I ate some onion straws and 2 mini burgers. I also had a strawberry lemonade. I felt drugged. I got so sleepy after that that I thought I was going to pass out if I didn't lay down. I put the seat down in the car on the way home and felt really sick to my stomach all the way home. I went right to bed and thought, actually I hoped, that I would throw up just to feel better. But I didn't and I feel OK this morning.

I have been really frustrated that I've been making all these changes and nothing seems to be happening with my weight. I'm trying to notice the postitive changes too but I still get discouraged. I'm just going to put that out of my mind and focus on the positive.

Positive changes that I've noticed:

My cholesterol is normal
My resting heart rate is 68 bpm instead of 80-85
My knees no longer hurt
I'm getting fresh air and sunshine
I've made a new friend
I have more energy, at least on the days I run
I have more self confidence
I've learned to love my body and appreciate it's amazing abilities
I feel closer to the Lord

BTW - I ran two miles no stopping yesterday. Yay! I bought some running shoes and they gave me sores on my arch. I'll have to put a bandaid on my feet before I run again. They are so much lighter and nice to run in. And I only had to pay $50 for them instead of the $90 I had planned. Yay!

Getting there

2009-06-03T15:10:00.000-07:00

Today I ran one mile, walked 1/4 and then ran 3/4 of a mile. Yay. Friday I'm supposed to run 2 miles no stopping.

I was really dragging this morning but I remembered half way through my run this morning that I had donated blood last night and I probably shouldn't have run. hehe.

I think Friday will be better. I should have more energy then.

I got my first pair of running shoes today. New Balance. Hopefully they will make my feet feel a little better. I've been running with Nike Cross Trainers. I guess those aren't the best for running.

I'm getting excited for the race now. I just finished registering and I'm all set to go. All the participants get a free pair of boxers. Yay! If you see me sporting those around, you'll know where I got them, hehe.

I think next week for one of my challenges, I am going to have to address my eating during the day, maybe start with eating only 3 meals and 2 snacks. Or maybe do something like, eat a healthy breakfast or something.

Any suggestions on that?

Unbelievable

2009-06-01T07:26:00.000-07:00

Last week my running workout was to run 1/4 mile then walk 1/8 until I had run a total of 1 mile.

This week the workouts are increasing dramatically.

Today I was supposed to run 1/2, walk 1/4 until I had run a total of 1 1/2 miles. I wasn't sure I could do it. My trainer's little girl was sick so she couldn't run with me. She said to at least run 1 1/2 laps (less than the 1/2 mile) if I couldn't do the full 1/2 mile.
So I set out and ran the first 1/2. I could have kept going. So after my 1/4 mile walk I decided I would keep going after my next 1/2 and see how far I could go. I ran a full mile without stopping and shhhhh, I think I could have gone even further. I think I was on the verge of getting the all coveted runner's high. I couldn't believe it.

On Friday I'm supposed to run 2 miles without stopping. After today that doesn't seem so impossible. Yay! I feel so good!

To address of couple of comments from last Saturday:
I did weigh myself first thing in the morning after going to the bathroom. Same as usual.
I realize though that Rosa is right, again! She knows me so well. I am a bit constipated. My digestive tract doesn't seem to like the change. It's used to having all the extra fat to help things along.
I also realized that I didn't take my measurements until after lunch. I had a big lunch at my mom's, so maybe the measurements weren't totally accurate. Maybe I'll measure again this Saturday.
This week for my challenges I changed the walking 1 mile / day 5x per week.
I will walk/run 1 mile/day 3x per week and I am adding in Jillian's 30 shred one day /week. This will give me an all over workout. The walking a mile isn't doing much for me. I'm still keeping the 100 crunches 3x per week.

Can someone please explain?

2009-05-30T12:36:00.000-07:00

I was so excited to weigh myself this morning because I feel like I've really made improvements. I was so discouraged by the scale. 233.8 ??? That's up 1.2 pounds from last week. I don't get it.

All morning I tried not to let it get to me, in fact I figured I must have gained muscle and so I would just measure myself again and that would certainly show the improvement. Not so.

I'll put the original measurements with the new ones after it.

bicep - 14 1/2 Now - 14 1/2 (not suprising, I haven't been working my arms)

quads - 26 Now - 25 1/2 ( I would hope so with all the running)

calf - 16 1/2 Now - 16 1/2 (I am suprised by this. That is what I felt has gotten the most workout)

chest - 44 1/2 Now - 45 (what????)

belly - upper, fullest part 46 1/2 Now - 47 (what????)

hips - 49 1/2 Now - 50 (what????)

butt 48 1/2 Now - 48 1/2 (huh?????)

Can someone please explain this to me because I have made a lot of changes since I started this blog. I'll name the before and after habits or changes. Keep in mind that I have maintained my weight for 3 years now, getting almost no exercise and eating crappy, hardly any water and generally not taking care of myself. So logically even the smallest changes should make a difference.

Before:

almost no exercise

Now: Run 3 miles per week and walk an additional 3 1/2 miles per week. 100 crunches per day, 3x per week

Before:

2 to 3 glasses of water per week

Now: 8 glasses of water per day

Before:

Eating two to three additional dinners after dinner

Now:

Not eating at all after dinner 6 nights per week - Also not eating dinner after 7 p.m. at least 5 nights per week

Before:
2 to 3 sodas per day

Now:
No soda at all

So, if I was maintaining my weight doing all the before stuff, then how is it that I can not lose weight or inches by changing all those things?

I'm feeling really down right now. I just don't know why things aren't changing. I am changing my habits a little at a time. But it's hard to keep motivated when I am not seeing any difference.

Not hating it

2009-05-27T07:27:00.000-07:00

I have to admit, I have not been hating running lately. I can't say I love it but I definitely don't hate it anymore.

In fact, I do love getting up early in the morning. I know, check my head for a fever. I never thought I'd say that. But on the days I don't run, I get up later and I tend to be very unproductive. I need these morning run.

I was thinking today that normally by the time I am finishing a lap I am practically counting the steps until the lap is done and I can walk. Today, I was talking and had to remind myself that the lap was over. I realized that I could have kept going. Shhhh...don't tell my trainer.

Could this be something that I end up enjoying? For some reason I am resisting being ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE that trains for marathons etc. and make running a major part of their life. I think I've resented people like that in the past. Probably because I knew I couldn't do it or I didn't want to want to do it. hmmm.

My trainer reminded me this morning that I should do my measurements. I guess it has been more than a month.

I have the worst memory in the world. I literally can't remember a conversation I had a few hours before. I don't know what it is. Maybe getting oxygen moving through my body and my heart pumping will help my memory. I don't know. I know it's really bad when I tell someone I'll call them in 5 minutes and completely forget. Sheesh. I wonder if that could be contributed to my imbalance of hormones.

Well, I have no doubt that my life is only going to continually get better from here on out.

I am LOVING life right now!!

Letting go

2009-05-25T07:42:00.001-07:00

I'll try to do my best to explain this here.

I have a pretty big belly. It's the part of my body that I am most self-conscious about. I will adjust my pants to fit over the biggest roll or sit with my books across my lap or a pillow or something. It stops me from being up in front of people and I always feel nervous about it.
My stomach used to be one of my best features. I loved it.

Anyway, as I was running this morning, I looked down at my belly. I had a jacket on that was only zipped up about 2 inches. So it hung just below my belly, so as to make my belly really jut out. At the moment I saw it sticking out that way, I fell in love with it. I know that sounds crazy but I put my hands on it and rubbed it and loved it. Now, let me see if I can explain. I don't love my belly because it's fat and has stretch marks on it. I think I was just marveling at my body and how unbelievably healthy I am in spite of what I have done to it over the years. I am marveling that my body can run in spite of the extra pounds I am carrying.

Mostly, I am feeling so good and confident about myself that my protruding belly no longer bothers me. I think I am just in love with my body. All of it.

Perhaps this is the beginning of what is necessary to let go of all the crap I am holding onto. My fat, laziness and chaos are what my extra 100 pounds really mean. I don't feel fat anymore. I don't feel lazy anymore. I don't feel my life is in chaos anymore. I think I've really made a breakthrough.

I am in my 5th week of challenges. I'm really enjoying this. It's working and I am changing years of habits. This week I am going to add 100 crunches per day 3x per week. I am also going to tweak the 'no eating after dinner 6 days/week. I am going to add that I must eat dinner by 7:00 p.m. 5 days out of the week. This might be a little hard to keep track of but I'm sure I can manage. I am also going to increase my water from 6 glasses to 8.

Here I come!

I'm down

2009-05-23T08:38:00.001-07:00

232.6 this morning. That's two pounds this week. Yay. It's finally working! I'm very excited and now feel even more excited to add another challenge this week.

I can't express how absolutely fantastic I feel. Not just because of the two pound loss but just because for the first time in my life I have stuck with a goal for more than a day. I really feel like I am progressing in life. Not just health wise but in my whole life. I have been doing these challenges in other areas of my life and I see so much difference in everything.

I have felt so stagnant for the last decade at least, always searching and trying to figure out what I was supposed to do and feeling completely out of control. Always feeling like my body controls me, my habits control me etc. Now I feel totally IN control. I feel like I can do anything! I'm so thankful to the Lord for this wonderful body he has given me and the way to discipline myself.

Someone asked me how I found a trainer for the 5k...
I attended a service auction at church. Everyone donated some type of service. (a meal, house cleaning, whatever they had to offer) We all had fake money and bid on the different services. Honestly the training for the 5k was one of the last things on the list and I had money left. I bid because it was there. I wasn't really that interested.

I'm so happy I did though. I feel so good. I still don't enjoy it all that much or enjoy getting up in the morning, but once I get to the track I feel good and feel good all day after the run as well. Plus, I really enjoy being with Teri (my trainer).

I've been really tired lately. Maybe it's all the exercise, or getting up early, but I've been getting tired earlier and earlier each day. Today I was at my dad's house and was ready to go to sleep at about 8:30. I can hardly keep my eyes open as I'm writing this but I wanted to post tonight about the weight loss. So I'm off until Monday...can't stay awake anymore.

Oops

2009-05-22T20:58:00.000-07:00

I just realized that I haven't posted since last Tuesday. I've been very busy in my head this week.

I've decided to weigh myself on Saturday mornings instead of Friday because with the running in the morning etc, I just forget. So I'll do that tomorrow.

Not eating after dinner has been very difficult for me. I actually ate two M&M's the other night, just because I was cleaning off my coffee table and there was a little tin full of them. I mindlessly opened it and popped two of them in my mouth. oops. I was proud of myself though because normally a failure like this would immediately cause me to self destruct and just eat the rest of the night. I didn't eat another thing that night.

I think I will have to tweak the no eating after dinner thing a little bit because two times this week I didn't eat dinner until after 9:00 p.m. That's too late. Occassionally that will probably happen, like when I'm on a date or something, but it shouldn't happen twice a week. So I will have to tweak that challenge a little bit.

The running has been going well. Wednesday was a great day. I rolled out of bed and onto my knees. Prayer does work because I had so much energy that morning and it seemed so effortless. Last night I went to bed at 10:30 p.m. My normal bedtime is somewhere between midnight and one a.m. but I've been so tired getting up a six to run that I just went bed early last night. I didn't sleep as well as normal, I had weird dreams and I was more tired this morning than normal. Maybe my body just doesn't require that much sleep. It was a much harder run this morning because of that I think.

My trainer is really awesome! She really makes it all worth it. I enjoy her company and she never judges me or anything. I'm very self conscious about my lack of athletic ability because I used to be so athletic and now can barely run. But I never feel self conscious with her. She is so encouraging and she never makes me feel like I'm burdening her. Thanks Teri

Results

2009-05-19T13:36:00.000-07:00

I went back to the doctor today and she said my thyroid is fine. Duh. I already new that. I think I need a new doctor.

She did say my cholesterol is completely normal. I can't believe it! Just the few small changes I have made, made all the difference.

I wanted to post all the changes I have made that have come almost automatically as a result of the challenges I am doing. I was thinking about it today and I have started doing things that are more healthful that I didn't realize.

I now buy 45 calorie 100% whole wheat bread. 1 point for two slices.
I buy Agave Nectar instead of sugar.
I buy skim milk, for myself.
I buy whole wheat pasta and tortillas.
I use only Extra Virgin Olive Oil now instead of vegetable oil.
I use Smart Balance now instead of butter.
I eat Kashi cereals now instead of junky, sugary ones.
When I do my chips for lunches, I've been buying baked lays.
I've been purchasing more fruits and vegetables and have been having a least one serving of vegetables per day. I know this doesn't seem like much but I will go a year without a vegetable, so this is huge. I've been having at least one serving of fruits per day. My kids have been getting fruit or carrots or something in their lunches and have been eating them. Now they are eating strawberries for snack instead of cheez its.

Though I am making these changes consciously, it has come very naturally. I'm so excited. I can't wait 'till next Monday. Yay.

My legs are very sore today and my knees hurt a little bit. I'm not looking forward to running in the morning, but I think I'll go a little early to stretch first. I know I'll feel good when I'm done.

Life is good!

Still don't like it

2009-05-18T22:01:00.000-07:00

When I got to the track today, my trainer informed me that the workout changed for the next two weeks. Last week I was running 1/8 mile and walking 1/8 mile until I finished a mile. That was very difficult. My lungs really burned.

Today I had to run 1/4 mile, walk 1/8, run 1/4, walk 1/4, run 1/4, walk 1/8, and run 1/4. (confusing, I know) But when she told me that I had to do a whole lap (1/4 mile) at once, I think I said, "I don't think I can do that". As we started to run, the first half lap suddenly seemed so much easier than last week and I was wishing it was last week again even though I thought it was very difficult then. I had barely beginning to recover from the first lap when it was time to run again. I thought I was going to die.

If I had run any slower, I would have been walking. In fact, my trainer said that, on occasion when she was training, she would have gone faster if she had walked. That's how I felt this morning.

Needless to say, I finished this morning and felt pretty good all day. My leg muscles actually hurt. Last week I didn't really notice. I was more concerned about my lungs.

I am proud of myself for finishing. My trainer is great! She always knows the right things to say. But I still don't like running.

It was hard not to eat after dinner tonight. For one, I almost gave in just out of habit, but I remembered at the last minute. Plus, I made a really yummy dinner and normally I would have had seconds or thirds but we had the missionaries over for dinner and I didn't want to look like a pig in front of them, so I just had one small helping. It was enough, but I so badly wanted more and then I couldn't have any more after they left, so I was bummed. Oh well, there's always leftovers for lunch tomorrow.

Looking forward

2009-05-17T21:07:00.000-07:00

I'm getting more and more excited about these challenges all the time. I have completed all of them and just feel like I am really moving forward. I have to stop myself from adding too many so as not to get overwhelmed. I just feel like a lifetime of habits are changing now. I can't wait until next year to see all the differences in my life. I have many other challenges that I am doing in addition to the health ones. I just haven't posted them because they didn't pertain to my weight loss.

This week I am adding probably my most difficult challenge yet. I will not eat after dinner 6 nights out of the week. I have allowed one night to eat later for those times when I have a date and want to have dessert or popcorn at a movie or something. This one is really going to be tough because that's when I do most of my eating. I know I can do it though.

Tomorrow is my second week of training for the 5k. I am not looking forward to it. Fortunately, I enjoy being with my trainer and she makes me feel normal. Wish me luck. I'm not sure if the training will be the same this week or not. I hope so. I'm not sure I can do much more than I did last week. Although Saturday we spent the day at Cub Scout day camp and hiked probably 7 miles. I was so exhausted that night. It was cold and there were a lot of hills etc. The camp must have been thousands of acres. It was fun though and great to be in the mountainous outdoors.

Friday's weigh- in should look pretty good this time. With the running and water and not eating after dinner, I expect a decent number.

2009-05-15T08:31:00.000-07:00

234.6 this morning. I don't know if this is because of my binging or because I weighed myself right after my run this morning. Uuuugghhh, either way. So I am going to have to get a grip.

Running is still killing my lungs. I know it's only been a week, but I am very impatient. Here is the dreaded running track.

Exciting eh? Well, I think it's time to start a challenge on Monday that pertains to my eating. I think I've been avoiding it, but I know I can do it. One thing at a time. I know that I can change my habits.

Jerry, the guy that won the Biggest Loser at home said that once his thoughts or mind had changed (can't remember exactly what he said) his body took care of itself. He was saying that it is all about how you think, or something like that. Anyway, it makes a lot of sense to me. I've always eaten a lot of food. The difference then vs. now is that, I didn't think much about it then. It was a non-issue. Then when my thoughts became consumed with food and it became such an issue, it got out of control. I don't want to think about food. I want to feed my body when it needs it and then not give it another thought. Is that possible to go back to? I hope so.

What the heck?!

2009-05-14T22:32:00.000-07:00

I really feel like this Change One is working well. There is only one problem. Because I have been focusing on my challenges, and not following the Weight Watchers points, I am out of control with my eating. I have been justifying it to myself by telling myself that eventually I will add in healthy breakfast, or not eating after dinner etc. So in the meantime, I pig out knowing that once I add those challenges, that's it. Ridiculous, I know. uuugghhh.

I may have actually gained weight this week, we will see tomorrow morning.

So at the doctor on Wednesday, I told her that I wanted my cholesterol checked because 5+ years ago, my doctor told me I had high cholesterol. It must not have been that high because she didn't suggest I go on anything. I also told her I wanted my hormone levels checked. I wanted specifics because I thought I'd get on those bio identical hormones that Oprah was talking about on her show.

Anyhow, she promptly said that my hormone levels would show up at normal levels anyway and she wanted to check my thyroid instead. I know it's not my thyroid. Why do doctors always think they know more than you do about your body? She's never even met me before. It's very frustrating. So I go back in on Tuesday for a recommended Pap (stupid) and to get results. I'm sure that when I get there, she will tell me my thyroid is fine and then I'm going to have to tell her to take more blood and run the tests I originally asked her to. It's a good think I like needles and blood.

Can't...breathe...

2009-05-13T06:33:00.000-07:00

So yesterday I had a really lazy day. I was really tired and kind of grouchy. I actually forced myself to binge eat yesterday. I wasn't hungry and wasn't craving anything but in my self-destruct mode, I ate anyway. And ate. And ate. I was feeling quite uncomfortable by the end of the day. I still stuck to my challenges but I let any other effort go by the wayside. Not sure what that was about. I really have got to go to bed earlier. I didn't realize how much it has been affecting me, but that's the only thing I can think of that would set me off. I was just too tired to get anything accomplished and then being lazy makes me feel bad about myself and it just progresses from there.
I went running again this morning. I got there a little before my trainer and knew that if I didn't start running without her, I would make up some excuse and go home. So I got out and ran. I ran 3/4 of a mile before she got there. I noticed that it seemed much harder this morning, at least on my lungs, than it did on Monday. In fact, my lungs were hurting so badly that I started wondering what I was doing out there. I was telling myself all kinds of things about how I couldn't do it and it was too hard etc. I was thinking that maybe it was because of my binging yesterday or something, but once my trainer got there, the last 1/4 seemed much easier. Maybe it's the competition thing or just having someone there. I'm not sure. But I told her how I was feeling and she said that was normal, so I guess I'm OK.
I've been wanting to add a few more things to my challenges already because I'm doing so well with them and I'm getting impatient. But I realize that if I over do it, I won't succeed and I'll just self-destruct. So, I will wait 'til Monday.
Today I go in to the doctor to have blood work done. I'm going to have my cholesterol checked and all my hormone levels as well. I'm hoping to get all that straighted out so that maybe I can feel normal again, whatever that means.
It was really hard running today, but I feel great now. I can tell it's going to be a good day.

New Challenge

2009-05-10T20:54:00.001-07:00

Well, some of you may have noticed I'm not really sticking to or even trying to count my points lately and that's because I'm doing the Change One plan. One thing per week, I will change. So this week I am going to add 6 - 8 oz. glasses of water per day. I should have more, but I think this is a good starting point.

Tomorrow I start training for my 5k I'll be running on June 27th. I'm kind of excited about it.

I have walked 5 days this week. This was a little hard for me because I kept putting it off and find myself walking at midnight and I'm already exhausted. I'll have to adjust that this next week. Though it will be easier because my training I will be doing at 6:30 in the morning.

Still no Dr. Pepper. The pizza I had this weekend did not taste nearly as good however. Pizza is my favorite meal. I do know, that I ate a lot less of the pizza than I would have if I had had soda. Normally, with a soda I would eat 5 pieces. This weekend I ate 2.

So, I'm excited to start a new week. I feel so full of hope and excitement about the changes and feel like they are going so well. I really feel like I'm progressing. When I was talking to my husband about what challenge I should add this week, he asked me how long I was going to keep adding challenges. I told him, "until I'm perfect". That's my goal. Maybe in a few thousand years, I'll get there. But if I don't start I'll never go anywhere.

Going down

2009-05-08T23:06:00.000-07:00

231.4 this morning. Yay.

I think this walking a mile a day is really helping. I didn't really follow my points this week, but I'm still down. I'm really liking these challenges I've been doing. I feel so much more in control, at least with the two challenges I'm doing. I've always felt that my life and home were very chaotic but now with these two things I'm able to keep myself from losing it.

I think adding one thing per week will take longer that I would want, but I've always been unrealistic when it came to my goals anyway. It took me 13 years to put the weight on and I'm usually giving up after a month if I haven't lost 20 pounds.

On Monday I will begin training for a 5k that I will run on June 27th. I'm kind of excited. I haven't run for 15 years. I will train on Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

I've actually been binging a bit the last couple of days. My husband and I had a big fight and I've been out of control with my eating ever since. But, like I said before, the two chanllenges I'm doing were not a problem. I felt totally in control with those. So I think eventually I will be able to change all my bad habits and replace them with good ones.

I actually look forward to every Monday so I can add a new challenge. I'm not sure what this weeks challenge will be, but I'll post it before then.

Thank for reading

Just to let you know

2009-05-06T20:53:00.001-07:00

OK, so I wanted to address a few people that have commented.

I have tried gum and it does help though I'm not a fan of gum.

I do eat fiber. It does fill me though I don't overeat because I'm hungry, I do it for emotional reasons.

I am consulting with a nutritionist who lives in Maryland. She is far away, but she is helping me with substitutions and is working with me to change a lifetime of eating habits. It really does help when I'm shopping at the store to read the labels and realize all the crap in everything. Though, I don't care what any health expert says, it is WAY more expensive to eat healthier.

For example:

Crappy white bread- 89 cents per loaf
Healthy whole grain bread - 3.29 per loaf

Butter - 2.29 for 1 pound
Smart Balance - 3.39 for a half a pound

Small can of peanuts - 4.19
Big box of Cheez Its - 2.00

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not making excuses for not eating healthy, I just think that the people teaching us about health say it is just as affordable to keep us from making excuses.
I will do what I need to in order to afford it.

I know that these changes are going to take some time. We do not become different people overnight when we decide to become healthier. This is the reason I am doing challenges with my family with a monetary consequence. I don't have the money to spare and even if I did, I don't want to pay 10 dollars to drink a Dr. Pepper. I don't love it THAT much.

This is my second week of challenges. I think I'm over the worst of the withdrawals from the soda. Someone suggested Diet Dr. Pepper, but it's not just the sugar I am trying to rid my body of. The carbonation is more of an addiction than the sugar I think, but also the caffeine and the Carmel coloring etc. etc. So I think quitting cold turkey is the best way. I've been feeling good without it and for the last two days haven't really thought about it. This is my first week of walking a mile a day, five days per week. So far I have walked 2 out of the 3 three days. I think changing one thing per week is going to work out well for me. This is the same thing as the Change One diet that Readers Digest suggests. I just tweaked it to my own needs.

I really appreciate EVERY ONE'S comments. Even if I don't know you. I welcome them all. I especially appreciate the honesty. I don't need or want to be encouraged when I am not giving it my all. So thank you to all who are being honest. I hope that is all of you.

To dcr that posted to my blog, I would love to read yours but can't figure out how to follow it. :)

What a day!

2009-05-04T21:58:00.001-07:00

Today was the best day ever!!!!!! I had a huge list of things to do and I was able to get up and work all day. I didn't complete everything on my list because I ran out of time, but I was so busy and I had to force myself to stop and eat because I was starting to feel sick. It's the end of the day and I still have 4 points left. I ate well, felt well, worked well and now I feel fantastic. We had a great family home evening and I will go to bed tonight feeling on top of the world. I thank the Lord for the experiences I had this weekend that gave me so much strength today.

Still no soda and I walked a mile today.

Yay for me!!!!

Wow

2009-05-04T06:54:00.000-07:00

Well, I took a couple of days off from posting because I had these amazing spiritual experiences over the weekend and spent the time contemplating and praying and such. I feel like a different person today. It's wonderful. I pray that I can retain these feelings.

I've added something to my challenge this week. In addition to the no Dr. Pepper (or any other soda), I am adding walking. I will walk 1 mile per day, 5 days a week. That is to my friend Rosa's house and back, exactly. I'm excited about this. I rarely get any sunshine or fresh air. Besides, my dog needs the walk as well.

I'm going to weigh myself on Fridays only now. I think that will be better. Thanks to those who told me that in the beginning. lol

I actually ate a vegetable with my dinner last night. 3 baby carrots. hehe I didn't care for them that much. They are ok, just not what I would normally choose, but right now, my health is more important so I will suck it up and deal with it.

I have a huge list of things to do today so that should help with the temptation to eat all day. It's cloudy and will probably rain today. That always makes me want to curl up on the couch with the t.v. and food. Not today.

Thanks for reading!

Binge

2009-05-01T07:40:00.000-07:00

232.6 this morning. I realized that the weight gain I had yesterday was probably from the can of beef stew I had before bed. First of all, I ate too late and secondly, it was full of salt. I'm sure I was just retaining water.

Well I ate whatever all day. I even binged a bit this morning. I have no excuses. At about 3:30 this afternoon, I finally decided I had to pull myself out of it and so I cleaned my laundry room. We have a big cabinet in there that I decided to move upstairs. Well, it is large and very heavy, but I managed to slide, drag and rock it over to the stairs. No big deal. Getting it up the stairs was another matter. I tipped it on its side and dragged it up, one stair at a time, tipping it up after each stair so that it would catch the edge of the stair so as not to slip down. There was no where to really grip it, so I was just hoping my hands didn't slip. Well, I got all the way up, two stairs from the top and when I tipped it up, it didn't catch and began to slip. I couldn't get it to catch the next stair down either and realized I had better let go or I would go with it. So there it slid, all the way down the stairs. I watched it in slow motion wondering if it was going to put a huge hole in the wall at the bottom. It didn't. It caught the landing and broke apart in a bunch of pieces. I stood at the top of the stairs for a few second before I said outloud "sh_ _" a couple of times. That shocked me. I don't usually feel the need to use profanity so it sounded strange coming from myself.

Well, I had already done my binging for the day, so this did not set me off. Actually I felt better just doing something that physical. I would start moving things more often but I think we would run out of furniture. That cabinet has caused my a lot of problems in the past anyway. Once when I was carrying it up to our apartment (with help) I slipped on the curb and dropped it. It caught my face on the way down and I ended up with stitches just below my eyebrow. Maybe it's better now that it's gone. hehe

Well, tomorrow is another day.

Starting over

2009-04-30T20:32:00.000-07:00

234.2 this morning. Well, that's where I started from. I know daily weigh ins are not that accurate, so I will try not to let it get to me.

I'm having a hard time getting motivated. I guess because of the lack of anything healthy in my house. I really need to move. Walk. Anything. Everyday I find myself less and less willing to leave my house. I don't know why.

I felt pretty good today. I've been in a good mood and very patient with my kids and I only went over my points by 2. This is what I ate - not that great:

Life cereal

Tortolini

Nutella

Beef Jerky

Sixlets

Ice Cream bar

Cream of wheat

2 pieces of toast

4 glasses of water

Still no Dr. Pepper. That makes one full week. I wanted a pizza so badly for dinner tonight and if I had not given up soda I would have ordered one. I think giving up soda is going to help a lot with my eating.

I think it helped today to babysit my friend's kids. I do so much better when I have something to do. It's not that I don't have enough to do, it's just that I don't hold myself accountable for any of it so I don't really do all I should. I was a much better housekeeper when my kids were small and at home. I had to be up doing things for them. Idle hands are the devil's workshop... so they say.

Brain Surgery

2009-04-29T07:19:00.001-07:00

232.6 this morning.

Well, I didn't try too hard today. Is it really all about will power? If it is, I'm in real trouble. I don't have much of it. I never feel satisfied. I'm sure it's just all the junk in my system, but I'm at a loss with that until I figure out everything I need to throw out and everything I need to buy and how to prepare it etc etc. That just seems so overwhelming to me.

I have been a bit on the angry side the last couple of days. I didn't really notice until today when I was venting to my friend. I realized I had been griping for awhile about the same things. I don't know why these things have me so worked up. It's really not that big of a deal in the big scheme of things. Perhaps I'm just angry with myself, so I'm feeling angry at other people instead of directing it at me. I think I am tired of letting myself down. I don't really know. I've been feeling full of regrets lately too. That is never a good thing. There is no room in this life for regrets. I am who I am and where I am in life and what I have in life is all a result of past choices. Well, I like myself most of the time and I wouldn't trade my life with anyone, so why do I feel full of regret?

Perhaps it's the depression, I don't know. I don't want to make excuses for it, but I really feel as though I am out of control. In my head. I wonder if the imbalance of hormones has a lot more to do with things than I think. Perhaps I need brain surgery. I saw something on tv last night about an overweight woman who had electrodes put into her brain to control her appetite. That's a bit extreme, I think. *sigh*

Well, tomorrow is another day. I wish I had Rosa's strength to go on and keep trying day after day.

On a more positive note, I still have not had a Dr. Pepper. It's been six days now. I sure wish I had one now.

hmmm

2009-04-28T09:20:00.000-07:00

232.8 this morning. Up .8 from yesterday. I was a little disappointed but I also realize that I am in the middle of my cycle and retain much more water during this time. I only drank one cup of water yesterday as well.

I woke up feeling a little depressed today. Maybe I'm just tired. I'm feeling overwhelmed and mad today. Tired of the clutter and mess in my house. Tired of the kids not contributing to the household work. I realize that it is my job to enforce the chores and rules but I barely have the energy to get through the day as it is. I'm so tired of being tired all the time.

My best friend from Maryland is going to help me. She teaches health seminars and such. I am really ready to change and I know I can with help. She is going to help me with my grocery shopping and how and what to cook etc as well as some detoxification to rid my body of all the crap I have put in it. Thanks Laura.

All evening I've been munching, feeling very unsatisfied. I can't think of any emotional triggers that I might be having. I'm sure it's just that my body is not getting what it needs. I realize that I am eating low fat junk food. I'm keeping my points lower than I normally would, but I'm feeling very unsatisfied. I've got to start feeding my body what it needs. I did drink 8 glasses of water today. That is good. I'm not even going to list what I ate today. I did so well until about dinner. I probably ended up going about 20 points over today.

I hope I have a better day tomorrow.

Great day

2009-04-27T08:00:00.000-07:00

232 this morning. It's great seeing the numbers come down EVERY day.

I still haven't had a Dr. Pepper since last Thursday. I craved one more today than I have since I stopped drinking it. It's a good thing I didn't have any in the house.

Last night I layed down with my daughter and fell asleep at about 8:30. I really was tired. Of course, I woke up at midnight and and talked with my husband for awhile and had a hard time getting back to sleep.

Yesterday I talked about fasting and interestingly, I picked up the April issue of the Ensign and there was an article in there about fasting. It was just what I needed. Elder Bowen said this - "A person who can discipline himself to fast on a regular basis in the way God has designed can resist every temptation, overcome any burden, and become free from any yoke." He also said "Proper and consistent fasting can help us overcome sins, bad habits, and addictions. Is there any of us who would not want to be feed from the personal burdens we carry?" Isaiah 58:6 says "Is not this the fast that I have chosen? to loose the bands of wickedness, to undo the heavy burdens, and to let the oppressed go free, and that ye break every yoke?" I have never really understood fasting before. At least not fully. He also went on to explain what happens in your body when you fast...

"When a person starts a fast, biochemical adjustments begin in the bloodstream to compensate for the lack of food. A carbohydrate substance known as glycogen is released from storage areas in the liver and the muscles. The body uses glycogen as food to keep cells supplied with energy. After 24 hours this food source is used up, and another source of energy is needed. Dr. Siegfried Heyden of Duke University's Department of Community and Family Medicine says when this happens, the body starts looking for other energy sources. 'The first thing happening after a 24 hour fast is the breakdown of fat cells. And these fat cells, when they break down, produce ketone bodies, as they are called. And these ketone bodies seem to have an effect on our psyche in that they make us no longer hungry'. After 24 hours without food or drink, the body (the natural man) submits to the spirit (the spiritual man). When the spiritual man is victorious, we experience greater sensitivity to the influence of the Holy Ghost."

I am definitely going to fast every fast sunday. I feel like if I am obedient to this law then the Lord will greatly bless me with the strength to overcome the physical bonds and addictions I have. I feel so full of hope and faith right now.

This is what I ate today:

1 egg
mandarin chicken
orange juice
Fettucini Alfredo
Garlic bread
brownie

I went over my allotted 29 points by 13 but the last couple of days I have not eaten after dinner. That is HUGE. After dinner is usually when I do most of my eating. So if I can just replace this junk in my house with healthier food then I think I will be right on track.

All in all I think it was a pretty good day! Yay!

Feeling hopeful

2009-04-26T10:59:00.000-07:00

Morning weight was 232.8. I realize that this number can fluctuate depending on water weight etc, but seeing the numbers go down every day makes me feel very encouraged and hopeful. It's .6 less than Friday morning.

Today is fast sunday at church. I fasted and prayed until dinner time. Normally I'm not very good at this. I can usually go without the food, but I don't usually pray. That is just starving, not fasting. Today I am praying. I'm praying for my struggles with weight and all the things that go along with it. I'm praying for various other things as well but how can I go wrong with the Lord on my side. He does promise to help us, so I'm counting on His help.

Tonight I had two tacos, some chocolate and a small handful of baked lays. I also drank koolaid with my dinner. I used about 20 points. That's a lot considering I fasted until 5:30.

I felt spiritually fed at church today and am realizing that I really need to rely on the Lord more. He wants to help me.

My body has been so achey lately. I really need to exercise. Maybe I'll start with swimming. It's easy on the joints and I really love it.

I think I will go to bed early. Less temtation to eat and maybe I'll have a little energy for work tomorrow.

Thanks for reading

So worth it

2009-04-25T21:04:00.000-07:00

I slept in until 10:00 a.m. today because, well, I could. I forgot to weigh myself.

I only ate a small bowl of life cereal because I wanted to save room for Ti Wa Inn. It's a vienamese restaurant that my family eats at once a month. It is sooooo yummy. I had Pork Fried Rice (no vegetables), and Short Ribs. Later, for dinner, I went to McDonalds with my sister and my kids. I had a double cheesburger and 1/2 of a small fry. Then I had three chocolate chip cookies. The cookies were my sugar fix. I went all day without a Dr. Pepper again. I had to have something. I don't think that is going to be a good thing to replace my Dr. Pepper with other sugar. Hmmm. I'll have to figure that one out. I had 5 glasses of water. I'll have to work on increasing that. All in all, I went over my points by about 10. Not too bad considering all the eating out I did today.

I did buy some turkey meat for my lunches, so I will be able to cut back on the points I use. The problem I am having right now is that my house is loaded with junk. It's hard enough to throw it out. It's such a waste, but I have no grocery money for awhile, so we wouldn't be left with much.

I'm feeling really lonely right now in my empty house. What I really want to do is have some potato chips and a Dr. Pepper. Since I have no soda I won't have the chips. They kind of go together. I will probably cut out a lot of things I eat since I won't be drinking the DP anymore. I usually eat far more than I really want because I need the soda and I can't drink it by itself. I have to have something to eat with it. I guess that's a good thing.

I'm liking this challenge that I have with my sister and my mom. (she joined in too) I don't have an extra $10 to pay out every time I drink a soda. So far it's pretty easy to go without. I want one but I'm far from giving in to that temptation. After a week, I may add in something else to the challenge.
I would really like to have someone come in to my house and help me throw everything unhealthy out. Then take me shopping and spend a day or so helping me learn to cook new recipes that are healthy and taste good. Of course, I hate vegetables, so they better be amazing cooks. Anyone up for the challenge and interested in a service project?

Not too bad

2009-04-24T21:54:00.001-07:00

Today wasn't too bad. I weighed myself first thing. 233.4 That's down .8 lbs overnight. I can handle that.

Today my friend Rosa came over for awhile. I am always more motivated when she is around. I think part of it is that I like having company, but mostly because she is honest with me. If I'm eating too much or being lazy or whatever, she calls me on it. I really appreciate that. So while she was here, I got some housework done and was much more conscientious of what I ate. Plus we took a walk to the park with the kids. She also made me drink a lot more water today. I had 5 glasses of water today. That beats yesterday's 1 glass.

Dear Aunt Flo came to visit today as well. That is a good thing. I so rarely have a cycle that when I do, I feel better. I know it is not good to not have them, so I'm happy about that. Plus I usually drop 5 - 10 pounds when I'm done. I retain a lot of water during that time.

One thing that happens around 4:00 is I start to pace the floor, looking in the pantry or the refrigerator looking for something to munch on. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I'm starting to get a little hungry by then but mostly I think I am gearing up for the evening. I don't like the evening. I'm never prepared for dinner. No menu to follow. The kitchen is usually dirty. I hate having to think about food. I'm a mindless eater and when I have to think and plan and cook I don't like it. When I was thin, I never thought about food unless I was hungry. Now it seems like I always have to think about it. The kids are asking for snacks. They're asking what's for dinner. I have to think about food in order to do my grocery shopping etc. It's always there. I would like to go back to not having to think about it. Maybe the key to that is to menu plan and do all my shopping on one day. Some friends and I are going to try cooking a number of meals in one day and freezing them. I think that might help.

At night, as soon as the kids go to bed, I go to the kitchen. I think I get lonely at night. My husband isn't home all the time and even when he is, I still feel lonely. Nothing against him, I just think maybe because it is quiet and dark. Not to mention the t.v. goes on and what else do I do while I'm watching. Eat.

I went all day without a Dr. Pepper today. I guess that's why I drank more water. I do have a headache though. I think that might be because of my need for the caffeine.

This is what I ate today:

1 egg

granola bar

bologna sandwich

a few baked lays

popcorn

1 cookie

1 brownie

pineapple

strawberries

mozerella cheese stick

1 corn dog

BBQ weiners (the little cocktail kind)

french bread with a small piece of Brie cheese

Some of these I don't have the points for. I went to a church function and ate some things but after I ate dinner, before the function, I still had 6 points left so I probably went a few points over the 29 allotted but probably only by about 4 or 5. This is significantly better than yesterday.

I decided not to really put down smaller goals because I am very impatient and I tend to put goals that aren't attainable for me, then I get discouraged really fast and quit. Normally my first goal would be 7 pounds in a week. But if I say that and don't achieve it, then I give up. But if I say 3 pounds for the week it isn't motivating to me and I don't try. So, I'm not going to put smaller goals. I really just want to try to stick to the WW and really focus on my triggers right now.

Maybe you can help me with some feedback. I've listed some of my triggers. How do I handle those? What do I replace the food with in order to get through those? I'm not sure.

Thanks for reading

That went well

2009-04-23T07:43:00.001-07:00

Well I didn't like the numbers on the scale last night so I weighed myself this morning. 234.2. That's a 4 pound difference. It's probably because I do most of my eating at night. I think I'll stick with morning weigh ins.

I was so hungry when I got up this morning. The problem I have is that I don't eat breakfast. I know, everyone says eating a healthy breakfast is soooo important. I usually feel hungry, I just don't have any appetite. I couldn't bring myself to eat this morning, so I had a glass of ice water. That took the hunger pains away. I don't drink nearly enough water. I am a Dr. Pepper junkie. That's going to be a hard one to break.

Well, I get 29 points for the day with Weight Watchers. I sat on the couch this morning and saw a package of Chips Ahoy soft cookies there. Now, normally I could probably resist, but I opened the package and saw that there were only three left. Now every one knows that if you want to eat healthy, don't keep junk food in the house. So in all my logic, I decided to eat the last three cookies, thus removing the temptation from my home. That was 5 points. hmmm. At least I won't be tempted by them anymore.

As the day is wearing on, I think I'm going to chalk this day up to observation. By two o'clock, I had used 4 points more than my alloted. Pretty sad. I'm trying to be aware of my emotional triggers and I can tell you right now that when the puppy peed on the floor this morning, I lost my temper and got really angry at her. I'm not sure why I got so upset. I think I was already irritated with how slow my computer is. Anyway, I spanked her, yelled at her and chained her up outside, where she remained until 5:30. The trigger wasn't that she peed on the floor. The trigger was that I over reacted and treated her badly. That's when the guilt sets in. That's when I began to eat. I don't have any concious thoughts of this at the time it happens but I can see it afterward. I don't feel like I deserve to be treated (by myself) the way I should when I behave so badly.
Another trigger I have is when the kids come home from school. Again the guilt sets in. I didn't get any house work done, so I have to do that when they come home. I'm not focused on them. I'm snapping at them to get their homework done and yelling for them to get their chores done. It's almost funny. I'm telling them they need to do the work and the house is a pig sty etc. I'm the one that hasn't cleaned. So the trigger is that I'm feeling guilty for trying to put the responsibility on them. So I ate much more tonight. This is a very learning day. I've never written my triggers down before. This is a real eye opener.

This is what I ate today:

3 Chips Ahoy cookies
1 hard boiled egg
2 cans of Dr. Pepper
1 bologna sandwich
1 avacado
Frito's corn chips (60)
1 bag of peanut butter M&M's
2 C. skim milk
Ravioli
Graham Crackers (5)

I ended up using 24 points more than I was alloted for a total of 53 points for today. Wow!

My sister came over tonight and we were talking about caffeine and how bad it is for you. We came up with a challenge between each other. She would give up coffee and I would give up soda. Every time one of us gives in to temptation, we have to pay the other one $5. This sounds good to me. I don't think I can afford my Dr. Pepper any more.

The history of this body

2009-04-17T12:26:00.000-07:00

I wasn't always fat. In fact, I was quite skinny growing up. I had a quick metabolism and was very active. I played a lot of sports and did a lot of walking. My mother wasn't keen on driving us around too much so she gave us RTD bus passes every month. I ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. And I loved food.

So, after 13+ years of being fat, I still don't recognize myself when I look in the mirror. I still feel like the skinny girl I used to see. Perhaps that's why I haven't put a whole lot of effort into myself. Here is a picture of the skinny me on my wedding day.

When I got married, I weighed 135 lbs. and I was a perfect (in my opinion) 36 24 36.

Well, here I am 15 years later and 100 lbs. heavier. It's amazing that I could put on this much weight and barely seem aware of it. By that I mean, that it doesn't seem like me. I am aware of the looks people give me, the whispers about me. Not fitting into regular chairs comfortably. The lack of energy. The depression. The lack of confidence. The feelings of unworthiness. The use of food to comfort. The lack of a sex drive. The imbalance of hormones. The infertility. So, yes I am aware of it, it just seems like it is not me when I look in the mirror or think about who I am. Is it possible to be two people at once? Maybe I have just been in denial.

So I'm starting this blog in hopes to get the needed encouragement, and more importantly the accountability. It is my hope to receive as many comments as possible to aid me in my journey. I welcome ALL comments. I hope that the comments will be honest and not just feel good words. It's nice to be encouraged but more helpful if I am held accountable for my deeds. I realize that by posting pictures, some people may be disgusted, but hey, I'm the one that has to live with this body. So here I am, putting myself out there. My whole self.

I'm not going to bore you with all the details of my goals. To sum them up, I will be using the Weight Watchers system. I have never successfully followed this for more than 1 week. I've never really tried anything else. I don't really exercise right now but will improve that over time. So my long term goals are to get down to original weight, or close to it. More importantly, I want energy. I want confidence. I want to want to have sex with my husband. I want to have another baby. I want to succeed at something.

5 years ago or so, I was told that I had high cholesterol. Last year the blood work I had done, confirmed that I still had high cholesterol. I haven't done anything about that. That has started to worry me lately. That is the only physical health issue that I am aware of other than the things listed above. (hormone problems) Tomorrow I will begin taking Omega 3's to help with the high cholesterol. I'm not a pill popper and try to avoid them whenever I can.

I am 36 years old. I am 5'8" tall and weigh 238.2 lbs. as of tonight. I currently wear about a size 20, depending on what I'm wearing. The following are my measurements that I have taken to the best of my ability. I will take these measurements probably bi weekly or monthly. My weight I will post daily.

bicep 14 1/2"

quads 26"

calf 16 1/2"

Chest 44 1/2"

belly (above my belly button, this is the biggest part of my belly) 46 1/2"

hips (at my hip bones) 49 1/2"

butt (fullest part) 48 1/2"

To all those that are reading this and posting. Please be honest. (not mean) I don't want fluff.

Thanks for reading.

Confessions of a Fatso

Woo Hoo

One more

That's the longest

5-10 minutes

Great week

Back on again

Can't think of a title...

Hmmmm

Time to clean

Can't think of one...

One week

Accountablility

What are your thoughts...

soooo out of control...

Thanks to friends

I wonder...

Bad Week

That's just normal fluctuation

I'm going to keep trying 'till I get it right

*Sigh*

Feeling strong

Lost my motivation

It's a great start to a new week wouldn't you say?

Not too bad

A bit dissappointing

here we go again

Check in

Maybe I should have a plan

This should be fun

Success equals...

Resistance is futile...

More dialogue

Curiosity Dialogue

Wondering...

Back on

Why do you have to be such a b****?

I haven't forgotten...

Confession...

Whew!

Sick

Almost there

Finally

I still don't like it

Figuring it out

Disappointed Again

Going well

New Week

Positive

Getting there

Unbelievable

Can someone please explain?

Not hating it

Letting go

I'm down

Oops

Results

Still don't like it

Looking forward

What the heck?!

Can't...breathe...

New Challenge

Going down

Just to let you know

What a day!

Wow

Binge

Starting over

Brain Surgery

hmmm

Great day

Feeling hopeful

So worth it

Not too bad

That went well

The history of this body

Sigh